Never Shave Again

I just saw an ad on facebook for a home laser hair removal system. The tag line, "Never Shave Again". This product terrifies me, and I'll tell you why. Pranks. Think of the poor drunken college students out there who have too many SoCo and Cokes at the weekend house party and pass out on the couch. In the past, the worst thing that could happen is they'd wake up with a penis Sharpied on their forehead and their eyebrows might get shaved off. Hilarious. Now we live in a world where any frat boy can get his hands on a LASER designed to PERMANENTLY remove body hair. Imagine the horrors. Going through life drawing on your eyebrows is a price too steep for a night of indulgence. While it may serve as a deterrent to excessive drinking, I think stringent DUI laws already in place are keeping kids off the roads- why are we punishing them for responsibly passing out on the coach? It just makes me sick.

On the other hand, if the guy's a total douche, it would be pretty funny.

Now that's got me thinking. The eyebrows are a logical target, but let's face it, we want to attack the psyche. If this guy's a douche, you want to draw out the abuse, espescially if you live with him. It's like when my roommate peed in my closet and didn't tell me for six months and I just thought I smelled bad. Everyone in on it got SIX MONTHS of pure joy! I'm sure I'd have found it funny, too, if it hadn't totally destroyed my self-esteem and made it impossible for me to bring girls home. Come to think of it, the loft bed and my persistent virginity didn't help either. But back to the idea. You have to draw it out. So here's how to get the most bang for your buck. Attack the hairline. You, or your most steady handed friend, take the laser device and take a couple millimeters off the forehead from ear to ear. If you want to be chancy, take a little more off the sides directly above the temple. Repeat weekly until a bottle of Rogaine appears in your shower and baseball caps become a staple. Then up it to twice a week or just attack the crown.

This might just be the meanest idea I've ever had, and I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy, but that's my point, the technology is out there, and it took a straight-laced guy like me ten minutes to hatch a completely evil plot; a guy could wake up tomorrow with an irreversibly receding hairline in his virile late teens to early twenties. That sort of pressure shouldn't be on his shoulders for another ten years. So please, if you have unwanted body hair, there are perfectly good waxing establishments and five-headed razor blades at your disposal. Do it for your friends. Because no one should have that kind of power. Nobody.